


Taxes: The Sagas

by bittykanita



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Plot, Revenge, Story Arc, Taxes, Trench coats, chicken crushing warning, crackfic, gets serious later on, most of them are about pearl, pearl has a magic broom fuck spears, shitposts pretty much
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2020-12-31 06:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21093704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bittykanita/pseuds/bittykanita
Summary: A bunch of shitpost crackfics about Steven Universe. Mostly centered around Pearl.





	1. Taxes: The First Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Quack quack, it's crack. This is my first shitpost fic and there is more to come. MUCH MORE.

“Fuck taxes” says pearl

“u r under arrest”

“no” 

“y” 

“No hablo espanol”

“hey whats up gay-mers its ya boi armrest” amethyst says, approaching the scene with a chair on her head 

The tax collector stares at amethyst, wondering how she can hold the weight of a chair on her head. But they quickly turn back to the task at hand, retrieving a ticket from their pocket.

“Then i will have to summon you in court. What’s your name?” 

“greg ‘tax fraud’ universe lol” pearl replies, her lying skills impeccable 

“You dont look like a greg universe.”

“Gender is fluid,” pearl says, raising her hand to her chest to look offended.

“oh shit sorry” says the tax collector

“No matter, the job is done,” pearl says, pointing to the door. “the door is that way.”

“:(“ says the tax collector, looking wounded as he left the doorstep.

“how the fuck did he make that sound with his mouth” says amethyst, curiosity in her   
voice.

“Exactly how i make sounds with my mouth,” says Steven, somehow materialising out of nowhere. “See? :)”

“i think im on crack” says amethyst, rubbing her head.

Amethyst then notices the tax collector has not left the front deck. She slaps pearls arm and points to the tax collector peering in from the window.

“oh wow wowie wow holy fuckign shit” pearl says, grabbing a broom out of thin fucking air like a witch.

“Get him, pearl!” amethyst cheers from the sidelines as the tax collector cowers in fear.

“Fuck where’s my salt” the tax collector screams, “oh right i used it on that slug.”

Pearl advances cautiously, using the broom to open the screen door. She points it at the tax collector and brings it to her eye like a gun. Suddenly, the string part opens and falls down, revealing a muzzle. Of a gun. 

“Ow” says the tax collector.

“surprise motherfucker” pearl says whilst bullets fly. steven watches the spectacle in awe.

But then, and only then, did pearl actually kill a human. He was a tax collector anyways. And tax collectors aren’t human. Pearl may have actually believed he was a “sneeple”.


	2. Taxes: Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl fights with Spinel because she's salty about slavery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know slavery isn't funny. But this is. Its also a running joke that humans can make weird emoticon sounds. And Steven can't swear.

Pearl starts singing and crying like the weeny wuss she is. "I don't know if I can do this anymore, Amethyst. I have to tell the truth."

"wat" says Amethyst, who has shapeshifted for her mouth to be on her feet and is stomping on pasta. 

"Rose– Pink committed slavery," 

"lol no shit" 

"No it's not like that, it gets even worse," Pearl says, a single tear falling from her eye. "she didn't pay spinel, it was forced labour, you tit."

"hey i am a tit," amethyst says, shapeshifting into a plump bird.

"shut up. I can't talk to spinel but she's coming today!!" Pearl screams, flailing around.

"fee fi foo fuck" spinel walks in the door carrying a revolver. "i've come to take fucking revenge lol"

"you already did that, you pink dildo." pearl says, looking away. 

"not with you" she sings, pointing the revolver at Pearl. "this won't hurt a bit."

":(" says steven as he comes downstairs. 

"there's that human thing again, amethyst im telling you they're aliens" pearl whispers. 

"no, WE'RE the aliens," amethyst says.

"steven!" spinel hides the revolver behind her as she turns to him.

"o.o are you doing something." steven says, squinting. all three gems flinch at the odd human sound. "well leave cus i have to do something."

steven points to the door. "take it outside. i have to make a sandwich."

"i wanna make a sandwich!" amethyst jumps over the counter to make sandwiches with steven while spinel and pearl take it outside.

"this is the end, you sick looking bird crap" spinel yells. the sand flies up as she speeds over to pearl.

"not today" pearl says, pulling a broom from her gem. spinel stops.

"what the fuck you on about? that's a broom that wouldn't be fair. it'd be too easy." spinel laughs. 

"lol" pearl says, and points the end of the broom at her. The string part falls off and they stand in silence.

"oh goody" spinel jumps back into action, but suddenly she feels a bullet pass through her form.

"bye" pearl says. spinel poofs.

"pearl what the-" steven says, before amethyst yells, 

"FUCK"

".-." steven says, looking back at amethyst confusedly. amethyst hides under the counter from the sound.

"the deed is done dibbity done" pearl says, putting the broom back in her gem. she kicks spinel's gem into the ocean. she can come back later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two of the usual please, I've had quite a day.


	3. Taxes: The Ghetto Commie Bod

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven wants to go to the ghetto.

"hi-ho it's about time," steven says, throwing his controller at the wall. it breaks immediately. "no more fortnite. my completionism bades me well."

"why the fuck are you talking like you're a brit" amethyst says, "what the fuck even is a brit"

"oh nothing, dear amethyst" steven says, waving his hand nonchalantly. "would you like to have some tea? :)"

"AH YOU DID IT AGAIN FUCK" amethyst runs away. Pearl walks up the stairs with a laundry basket.

"steven put this away." pearl says, dropping it on the floor.

"oh, dear pearl, how does your day go?" Steven says, looking at her.

"steven if you wanted to be rainbow quartz 2.0 you could have just asked."

"but i dont"

"i'm not too sure"

"pearl can we go to the 'ghetto'?"

"..." pearl looks at steven. then at the laundry basket. then at steven. then at the laundry basket. then at- "if you put away your clothes i will take you to the ghetto."

the clothes are gone in five seconds.

"can we go to the ghetto now?" Steven says, jumping in excitement.

"you look like a toddler jumping up at me like that, steven"

pearl and steven got off lion and started walking down the street. 

"so this is a ghetto, hm" steven says, looking around.  
junkie, junkie, busker, crackhead – wait isn't that a junkie? – and peridot, lapis and spinel.

"get your free periods, we will take anything," peridot says, waving around a box of tampons. "this is a free world, we can trade guys no money involved."

Spinel is holding up a boombox blasting The Red Army Choir. "yas, feel my wrath"

everyone is running and screaming. 

"looks like this is a job for a brit." Steven says, looking at pearl expectantly. pearl scoffs. 

"fine, steven." Pearl says, taking his hand and throwing him into the air. when he comes back, their forms glow and meld together.

"woah dude" peridot drops the box. Spinel turns up the music and puts it on the ground. Lapis drops her wristbands.

"we're cucked, spinel we need to run," peridot screams. spinel shakes her head and smiles.

"this is what I wanted. now, form the commie bod!" Spinel points into the air. 

the three gems hop on top of each other, spinel and peridot forming the legs and lapis forming the torso, head, and arms. Lapis uses her wings to keep the form together, covering it in a layer of water.

"Commie bod, advance!" the Commie bod advances, taking two steps toward Rainbow Quartz 2.0. "and, attack!"

Peridot picks up a nearby fence and throws it at the fusion, and lapis has water burst from below them.

"oh hippity hoppity fu-" rainbow quartz 2.0 starts.

"FUCK YOU" Peridot finishes the sentence.

"I want to die" Lapis says, "but not as much as i want u to die, you british scumbag"

"yeah! communism is the best!" Peridot and spinel yell together.

Rainbow Quartz pulls a broom from their gem, and a shield. they put them together and it forms a mallet. "wow hippity hoppity this is akin to sardonyx's weapon.. but better at blasting people into space."

Rainbow Quartz pulls the mallet back, gathering their strength.

"we're fucked." peridot says.

the mallet hits them in the center, knocking all three gems in the Commie bod into the sky.

"team communism, fucking off again!!" 

"well that was a fuc-" 

"THIS IS FUCKING STUPID" Spinel screams one last time, stopping rainbow quartz from finishing their sentence.

"well hippity hoppity what a lovely time" they unfuse.

"well pearl do you want to play fortnite with me"

"no steven, you incel" pearl scoffs, looking away with her nose turned up. "real brits play minecraft."

"ok let's play minecraft"

"PEARL DON'T BURN MY MINECRAFT HOUSE"

"FUCK YOU STEVEN"

"WHAT THE-"

"FUCK YOU"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want a picture of the commie bod, just imagine Peri and Spinel on the ground on handstands and Lapis standing on their feet at the top.


	4. Taxes: Rocks'n'Commies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven goes to a concert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An arc.. a story arc!! Yes, that is right this fanfic is serious now.

Pearl screamed as the bass hit a particularly loud chord, breaking every single window that wasn’t already broken by some rowdy soul.

“FEEL MY BASS BEATS!!”

“AH NO WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS PEARL!??” Steven crumpled to the floor, his hands covering his ears. “I don’t even like eating bass, it makes me feel sad!!”

“Why the fuck are you here?” Amethyst raised a brow at the hybrid. The party was 1000 and over, so the 16-year old was definitely not supposed to be there.

“Because Pearl dragged me here :(“ Steven said, causing every Gem in the room to jump out of the windows. Except Pearl, who didn’t hear a thing.

The only Gems left were Peridot, Lapis and Spinel who were cowering in fear in a corner. 

“We’ve been caught!” Peridot screamed, covering her eyes. Spinel slapped her.

“Not yet! Look at that window!” Spinel pointed to a broken window 5 metres away. “If we can make it there while Steven is still recovering, we can escape from those terrible… human sounds.”

“Good idea!” Peridot yelled, jumping up, “Let’s go, comrades!”

“SHUT UP.” Lapis said, throwing her hand over Peridot’s mouth. 

“Oh f-” Steven was still clutching his head.

“Fuck it, let’s go!” Spinel ran to the window, taking the opportunity gladly, and punched the screen out. She jumped out the window and rolled a safe distance away.

“Huh?” Steven looked back at the blue and green Gems climbing out the window. They froze in fear. “Honestly, why does everybody run from me? It’s natural ;-;”

Pearl stopped playing. Every remaining Gem in the room was quiet. The white Gem hopped off the stage.

“We’ve had enough of this, Steven,” she said, leaning closer to him, “What are these weird sounds you’ve been making? We need to find the source!”

“I don’t know,” the hybrid boy looked at the floor sadly, “I just can’t control it, it’s been happening ever since you killed that tax collector! >:(”

“Don’t worry, Steven! We’ll find out but I have to GO!” Pearl screamed and jumped out the window with the remaining Gems. 

Steven was left alone in the concert hall.

“Seriously, what the-”

“Fuck, what was THAT!?”

“There’s something wrong with Steven and I think it was caused by that tax collector!” Pearl said nervously, “I don’t think he… died..”

“He didn’t? You told me he did!” Amethyst yelled. 

“He may have gotten up and left shortly after. I’m sorry I told the story like that, he just wasn’t moving. I actually just fired a foam bullet at him and he overreacted.”

“Wow, Pearl. And let me guess, you fired a fucking foam bullet at me too and I overreacted?” Spinel said, gritting her teeth. 

“No, that was a light bullet,” Pearl scoffed, “It was real. If I fired a foam bullet at you and it worked, I would feel bad fighting you.”

“Why you little-” Spinel and Pearl were staring at each other and growling, but a stunned silence was created when Steven jumped out the window after them.

“Let me help, guys,” Steven held his hands close to his chest as he walked over to the standoff. “I don’t want to feel left out among you. I’m a Gem too and if I just drive them away, I’ll feel like an outsider everywhere!”

“Steven,” Pearl looked at him solemnly, “we’re so sorry we made you feel like that. It’s just, those sounds disrupt our forms.”

“Oh, right..” Steven thought back to the first time Amethyst reacted to the odd sounds he just started making out of the blue. She thought she was drugged or out of it. He felt terrible all of a sudden. “Maybe I should just go stay with Connie until you can find the source.”

“No, Steven! You’re the only one who can get him!”

“Who is ‘him’?”

“The tax collector.”

“:OOOOOOOOOOOOO”

“GRR STEVEN SHUT UP!!”


	5. Taxes: The Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl has a plan to get the tax collector.

“Okay, we have a lead,” Pearl said, straightening out the papers from a beige folder. “he lives in Jersey in the West of New Jersey.”

“This is his police record. Suspiciously clean for such a vile human.”

“So, how are we gonna get ‘em?” Amethyst said, raising her hands in fists. 

“We’ll bring Steven to his apartment and lure him outside, then ambush him,” Pearl said triumphantly. “I have every possible scenario planned-”

“You forgot about the one where he puts out 3 chickens in a trench coat instead of answering the door.” Garnet said, straightening her visor.

“That’s because it seems impossible, Garnet!”

“Well, the Commie Bod is ready for anything,” Peridot said, eyeing Pearl and Steven nervously. 

“It wasn’t ready for Rainbow Quartz 2.0,” Pearl said, rubbing her fingers together.

“We’ve made adjustments!” Spinel stood up and crossed her arms.

“I doubt it, you pink dildo!”

“Guys, guys!” Steven interrupted the argument before it could get somewhere. “Let’s focus on the task at hand! What are the plans, Pearl?”

Pearl pulled another folder out of her gem, and flipped through the pages, “Steven will go up first and knock on the door as I said, then Garnet, Amethyst and I will ambush him shortly after he comes out of the door. We’ll be on the roof and land behind him when Steven lures him away from it.”

“What about us!?” Spinel asked. Peridot and Lapis nodded.

“You are the most important part, hah-hah..” Pearl said nervously, flipping through the pages. “..the.. backup! You can help if we get in trouble!”

“That’s a waste of the Commie Bod’s power!” Peridot struck a defensive pose, pointing at Pearl.

“The Commie Bod is reckless and unneeded! You are all powerful on your own!”

“Then why’d Rainbow Quartz 2.0 kick our ass?” Peridot said, emphasizing the 2.0.

“What about 2.0?” Steven stood up. 

“You’re just… less than her.” Lapis said, shrugging. 

Steven looked at Pearl, who was twiddling her thumbs. She couldn’t look at Steven. Not right now.

“Why’d you say that?” Amethyst spoke the words Steven couldn’t, stepping up to the three Gems that could form the Commie Bod.

“Because it’s true,” Peridot said in a matter-of-fact tone. “from what I know of Rose Quartz or.. err, Pink Diamond, she was much stronger than Steven.”

“It’s not true!” Pearl snapped, glaring at the green Gem. “he’s better than she ever was!”

“Pearl,” Steven reached out to grab her hand but she pulled away. Pearl began to walk towards the trio. 

“He cares more, he loves more, he’s just.. he’s more!” Pearl ranted as she advanced. The three Gems became tense under the glare of Pearl. Nobody had seen her like this since Rose gave up her form to bring Steven into the world. “Lapis and Spinel, you of all people should know that! And Peridot, you don’t know her.”

“P, calm down,” Amethyst backed away from Peridot, Lapis and Spinel as they also took a defensive stance against the Pearl. 

“Pearl, we need to focus on fixing Steven,” Garnet said, not moving from her spot in the corner of the couch.

“No, they have to know when to keep their mouths shut,” Pearl said, grabbing a broom from her gem. Everyone knew what was about to happen, and everyone was powerless to stop it. Except Steven.

“No, Pearl, stop!” Steven called, “This isn’t right! We can talk this out!”

“Steven, I have to do this.” Pearl looked back at the boy who was following her.

Steven sighed, and grabbed her shoulder, “I’m sorry I have to do this, Pearl.”

“Do what?” Pearl asked, tensing up when he touched her.

“:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((“

“GAH! NO STEVEN I TOLD YOU, IT DISRUPTS OUR FORMS!”

Pearl’s form glitched and disappeared in a haze of creamy blue smoke, leaving only her gem behind. Steven picked it up and looked around the room. Nobody else had been poofed, but they were all deeply disturbed.

“I’m sorry, Pearl.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wah, wah sad. sad.


	6. Taxes: The Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gems go to the home of the tax collector, and encounter a resistance.

“Alright, we’re here,” Greg said, parking the van in the dark parking lot of Deer Apartments. “Have fun!”

Seven Gems hopped out of the car and onto the paveway beside the lot, the dim lights guiding their way to the small apartment. It was on the front floor so the front door was outside.

“You didn’t tell him we’re here to ambush that tax collector, huh?” Amethyst said to Pearl. Pearl laughed nervously.

“Yes, I didn’t,” she said, “I’m not sure how he would have reacted.”

“Imagine how he reacts when we bring an unconscious body to his van!” Amethyst scoffed, “you think we’re gonna get him to talk in his own house?”

“I would prefer that, yes.”

“Hey, guys, we’re here,” Steven said, stopping the six Gems behind him, “I’ll wait until you guys are at your stations.”

Just like before, Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl jumped up onto the roof above the tax collector’s apartment and Spinel, Peridot and Lapis hid behind a garbage can 16 metres away.

Steven walked up to the door and knocked. He heard things being moved behind the door, and the handle began to turn…

And three chickens in a trench coat walked out.

“What the-”

“FUCK, get down there right now, you fucking idiot Pearl,” Amethyst pushed Pearl off the roof and she landed in front of Steven. The white Gem pulled out a broom but it was knocked out of her hands by a red laser.

The silence was deafening.

“Okay, let’s do something a bit more.. reflective,” Pearl said, taking out her bass and throwing it in the air to come back in a few seconds. She also pulled out a square mirror and tape, waiting for the bass. 

It fell back down and the Pearl taped the mirror to the bass in a striking show of her reflexes. She grabbed the bass just as it almost hit the concrete ground.

The head chicken shot a laser again, and Pearl reflected it with the mirror part on her bass. However, in a shocking turn of events, the middle chicken held out a mirror and the laser caught on to it, reflecting and heading for Steven instead.

Garnet caught Steven and lifted him into the air as it was about to hit him. Steven was hyperventilating. Amethyst jumped down and landed on the head chicken. The four Gems could hear the skull cracking and the body of the chicken becoming squished from the weight of Amethyst’s form.

“Told you,” Garnet said. 

“I didn’t think it was possible!”

“Then I should have told you about the lasers.”

“Come on, guys, I need more weight to get the other two!” Amethyst said, interrupting the two. Pearl sprang into action and jumped on top of Amethyst. The middle chicken was crushed.

“It’s not enough! Garnet!” Pearl called, and the fusion jumped up to land on the top of the tower. Steven was left on the concrete ground, still shocked. “Ugh.. it’s still not enough! We’re halfway through the last chicken!”

“Then it’ll have to be me!” Steven said, stopping his hyperventilation and jumping up from the ground. He landed on Garnet’s head and it was the last piece they needed to crush the three chickens in a trench coat.

“Alright, it’s time,” Pearl said, “we have to enter the lair.”

The door was still open and the Gems looked on with worry and fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oOoOoOOoo, what's next?? :o


	7. Taxes: The Devil's Lair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and the Gems enter the apartment and face the tax collector.

“We’re in,” Steven whispered into a walkie-talkie, stepping inside the apartment. The sound transmitted to the three Gems that were backup, and they hopped out of hiding and joined the other Gems moments later.

“What now?” Peridot asked. 

“We just have to find the tax collector.” Garnet said. 

“Steven,” Pearl looked at the hybrid boy sadly, “Sorry I have to do this, but it’s for our own good.”

“Okay, I guess I won’t ta-” Steven said, but Pearl had already taped his mouth. Steven flailed around for a few seconds before glaring at Pearl.

“Huh, why didn’t you do that before?” Amethyst said, scratching her chin. 

“It seemed wrong.”

“And it’s not wrong now?”

“Err.. well…”

Steven started walking down the hallway to the main room, which was empty save for a chair and a TV. The TV was emitting static noise, which startled the boy. The Gems immediately split up to search the house except Steven, who couldn’t call for help if he found the tax collector, or if the tax collector found him.

Pearl found a room with shelves lining every single wall, and various knick-knacks littered around. The floor was covered in boxes and there was a closet in one corner. But nothing seemed to give any sign of the tax collector.

There was a study in a room which looked to be a walk-in closet before the tax collector moved in. Peridot and Amethyst hid in the closet and scared Pearl as she walked by.

“Ah, my god! Don’t do that!” Pearl said loudly, but then realized where she was and quieted down, “you have to be serious. We’re doing this for Steven.”

The two Gems sighed, saying in unison, “Okay.”

“Good,” Pearl said, walking off to search another room.

Garnet found a room with multiple trench coats on the walls, and dozens of boxes filled with salt on the floor. There was also a cat, which Garnet took with her to search through the other rooms. 

Steven had been there for 10 minutes, just listening to static, when a hissing sound erupted from behind the TV and the wall retracted to reveal a dark hallway. He stood up and walked over to the entrance, thinking about whether or not to enter. Steven decided to take the tape off his mouth, he felt like breathing through his mouth now. Oh, and he wanted to call the Gems.

“Guys! There this weird entrance over here!” Steven called. He heard the scrambling of multiple Gems.

Then he felt something tug at his back and drag him into the shadows just as six Gems ran into the room. He called out to them one last time, “Hurry up!”

Pearl ran in first, taking a replacement broom out from her Gem and pointing it down the hallway. She didn’t fire because she had no idea what was on the other side. Garnet summoned her gauntlets and caught up to Pearl, and Amethyst rolled over to the two Gems.

“Uh, should we go?” Spinel asked awkwardly, looking at the three Gems speeding down the hall. 

“Probably,” Lapis said, walking into the hole in the wall at a leisurely pace. Peridot followed.

The door slammed shut just as Spinel was about to start walking into it. 

“Well, fuck. Now I don’t get to see the action.”

The 5 Gems caught up to Steven, who had his legs tied together in a rope. He was squirming on the floor next to a tall chair. When the Gems looked up, they saw him.

The tax collector.

“Tax collector!” Pearl screamed up at him, “Fix Steven right now or else!”

“My name isn’t tax collector, you know,” the man said, “it’s Gerald.”

“We don’t care!” Amethyst yelled.

“I can fix him,” the tax collector said, and the Gems breathed a momentary sigh of relief, “but only if he can pass my test.”

“He’ll do it easily,” Peridot scoffed, “he’s not a puny human like you, you know.”

“My test isn’t made for humans,” the human said, cackling, “it’s made for chickens!”

“Guh-what?” Steven said, his eyes widened. “I can’t pass a test for chickens! What do I have to do?”

“You have to shoot lasers from your eyes and kill me, as I am the source,” he said, petting his chicken. 

“Why don’t we just kill you?” Lapis asked.

“Uhh… nobody’s ever thought of that before. Ummm...” 

While the tax collector was deep in thought, Peri and Lapis set off to untie Steven and Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst jumped up.

Soaring through the air, Pearl landed on top of the chair, and Garnet and Amethyst stood on the sides. Each Gem had their weapons at the ready to smash the tax collector at any given moment.

“You’re not allowed – uhh.. – eep!” the man squealed, jumping off the chair and landing on multiple pillows. By the time he got down there, Lapis, Peridot and Steven were at the ready with their weapons. 

Lapis held up a water stream with her hand and Peridot had several shurikens pointed at him. Steven brought out his shield and had it ready to throw if needed.

“Wow, a temperature valve!” the man said, reaching for a regulator and turning it to an extremely high temperature. Steven began sweating and Lapis’s water stream evaporated.

“I can.. still.. fight with this.. heat!” Steven said, throwing his shield. It was incredibly slow from the weak throw, and Steven felt his powers weaken as his esteem lowered. “Huh, I guess not.”

Garnet landed in front of the tax collector, creating a small crater. She stood tall in front of the middle aged human on his knees. He was also sweating, and could barely stand.

“Why.. aren’t you hippies reacting to the.. temperature?” he breathed out. 

“No idea,” Garnet said, dissolving one of her gauntlets and hitting the human on the head. He blacked out immediately.


	8. Taxes: The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and the Gems have a talk with the tax collector.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final part of the story arc!

“Seriously, why didn’t we just kill him?” Amethyst asked, watching Garnet walk out of the apartment with the human in her arms. Steven was too weak to stand and was laying on Garnet’s hair.

“Because we don’t know if he was telling the truth,” Pearl said. “he could be lying to torture us for the rest of all time, for all we know.”

“Well, now you have to explain him to Greg!” the purple Gem said, pointing at Greg Universe, who was sitting in the van. He had some tunes on and was playing air guitar.

“Eeeeeeh..” Pearl breathed out, looking at the human. She winced. 

“And it’s...wrong to kill humans,” Steven said wearily as Garnet passed by. “Did I forget my jacket..? Oh, no I didn’t..”

Pearl and Amethyst looked at each other and then back at Steven. Amethyst was chuckling slightly, and Pearl had a forced smile on her face. 

“Hi Greg,” Pearl said when she reached the vehicle. Greg was now outside and freaking out over his son, and the human in Garnet’s arms.

“How could you let that happen to him? Why did you knock the guy out?” Greg was asking questions a mile a minute, and not even Garnet could predict when he would stop.

“Greg!” Pearl yelled, stopping the human. He turned to look at the pale Gem. “Steven is in a lot of trouble and if we don't fix him we wouldn’t be able to be among Gems anymore. This human is the source.”

“Oh,” Greg said, looking at Steven awkwardly. He waved to his dad weakly, then went back to looking at the floor. “well, get in before he wakes up!”

Greg rushed to the van and the 6 Gems got back in. The van sped off into the dark roads. 

Under the cover of moonlight, the Gems hauled the human to the beach house (and Steven) and laid him on the couch. 

“What do we say when he wakes up?” Pearl asked, staring down at the man. 

“We can say ‘Tell us how to stop Steven from making weird noises or we’ll eat your brains’!” Amethyst chuckled, holding out her arms in claws.

“That’s a – actually, that’s not a bad idea, Amethyst..” Peridot said, expecting to ridicule someone. She had even prepared a speech in her head.

“Ehh, maybe just show a knife to ‘em immediately, huh?” Spinel butted in.

“Yeah, stick a knife to his throat! He’ll pay!” Peridot piped up again.

“Bad idea.” Garnet said.

“Yes, it doesn’t seem like a good option,” Pearl laughed nervously, then looked at Steven, “What do you think, Steven?”

“Hmm… .-. maybe we could ask him nicely?” Steven said, ever the empath. Every Gem in the room winced, though and Steven realized he had made the odd sounds that started the entire journey in the first place. He clutched one hand in the other and squeezed as he felt worse than before.

Pearl sighed, “We’ll just have to see what happens.”

As they all looked at the human in the room, he woke up. He rubbed his head and sat up.

“Ghh.. what happened?” he said, looking around. He saw the Gems in the room and instinctively recoiled, holding his legs closer to him and ducking down his head. “Don’t hurt me! I’m just.. work is so terrible! I wanted to make someone else suffer for once!”

“Where do you work?” Pearl said, squinting at his form.

“I work.. for the government. As a tax collector,” he sighed, “but nobody even wants to be near me. I feel unwanted, even though I’m holding up the fabric of society.”

Steven gasped, “I’m sorry. What do you want to do about it?”

“I.. just want to be a normal guy. Not just that tax collector that always bothers people.”

“We can help,” Steven said, stepping closer to him. “If you just lift this curse.. off me, we can talk this out.”

Steven was practically glowing in the guy’s eyes, probably. He immediately agreed and snapped his fingers once, “Okay. It’s gone.”

Steven closed his eyes and checked for any senses or behaviours that weren’t normally there. He relaxed when he found none.

“Thank you,” he said, sitting down on the couch next to the tax collector. “So.. Gerald, was it?”

“Yes,” the tax collector said.

“What do you want to be?” 

“I.. wanna write. I want to write screenplays.”

“Wow, really? That’s so cool!” Steven exclaimed, “I know someone who likes to act, he’s great!”

“I’ve never had anyone.. act in my plays before..” the man looked around the beach house, smiling slightly.

“His name is Jamie, let’s go meet him!” Steven grabbed the man’s hand and smiled, leading him out the front door.

When Steven walked back an hour later, all six Gems in the house were still waiting for him. They ran over and hugged him, and he was stuck in a group hug for a few minutes just hearing his friends say how they were so happy to be able to be near him again.

“Heh, I love you guys too,” Steven chuckled. “Ok, can you let go of me now? I feel like I’m suffocating.”

“Ow, guys – I’m serious.”


	9. The Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot, Spinel and Lapis suspect there was a collision of alternate realities... or so Steven thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually want to die

Steven came to his dad’s car wash that day to get his car back. Greg had grounded him a while ago, for no reason at all.. except for the fact that he went warp camping across Earth for 3 days. He waved hello to his dad and walked over to his car, pulling out the keys. He unlocked it and was tackled by Bismuth.

“What the-”

“FUCK DUDE I WAS IN THAT CAR FOR FIVE DAYS”

She shapeshifted her hand into a hammer and raised it above her head to hit him. Steven froze. She was completely out of it.

“Wait, Bismuth I didn’t do anything! I didn’t know you were here!” Steven said quickly, and the Gem shapeshifted back to her normal form. She was still above Steven though, and didn’t move until he asked her to, “Bismuth. I need to get up.”

“Right, right,” Bismuth said. She got up and looked around, her eyes locked on to Greg Universe on the other side of the concrete plot. She instantly remembered, marching up to the man, “You! You asked me for the keys so you could give them to Steven and I handed them to you through the window. But I didn’t realize I pressed the lock button!”

“Why didn’t you call him over earlier this morning?” Steven said, looking at his watch. It was noon.

“She told me she was fine,” Greg said. 

Steven looked up at Bismuth, “If you don’t ask for help, Bis, nobody will ever try to save you. Especially if you say you’re fine,” Bismuth suddenly found more interest in her feet.

“Fine,” she groaned, walking away from the car wash to find the nearest warp pad.

When Bismuth returned to her forge in Little Homeworld, she found Peridot, Lapis and Spinel talking about something. The tall Gem leaned on the wall as she watched the interaction.

“I feel like something important just happened,” Peridot said, “but I just can’t remember!”

“Yeah, me too,” Spinel replied, looking at her form, “I feel like I was just.. someone else.”

Lapis said nothing.

“Do you think…” Peridot thought for a second, “that we collided with an alternate reality?”

“What the fuck, Peridot? We’re not jokin’ around,” Spinel crossed her arms and stared at the green Gem.

Peridot made wild gestures, trying to explain herself, “Wait, wait! It is a phenomenon that can happen! Steven… we should ask Steven if he feels weird!”

Bismuth walked up to the group. She towered over them, so she decided to sit down to talk to the three Gems. 

“What happened while I was gone?” she said, looking at the Gems. They looked like they had been talking about the subject of ‘what happened’ for hours. All three of them were disheveled and looked like they hadn’t had a good moment for a while.

“We don’t know,” Lapis said in the awkward silence. 

“Well, I was in a car for 3 days, so, do you remember what happened then?” 

“Hmm,” Peridot stroked her chin in deep thought, then perked up, “I don’t know! We don’t remember anything.”

“Nothing? At all?” the bulky Gem leaned in closer. Peridot shook her head. “Then I guess we should ask Steven.. ugh.”

“Where is he?” Spinel asked.

“He came to the car wash to get his car,” Bismuth said, “he’s probably..hmm..”

Peridot pulled a tablet from out of thin air, and looked at it. She pressed multiple things on the tablet and then set it down.

“Hmmmm….”

The three Gems relaxed slightly as Bismuth kept ‘hmm’ing. 

Peridot’s tablet dinged and she swiped it from the floor, staring at it. 

“Steven! He says he’s at the…” Peridot squinted, “The Big Dow-huh-nut?”

“Let me see that,” Bismuth said, taking the tablet from Peridot and holding it close to her face. “What is a dow-huh-nut?”

Lapis scooted over to Bismuth’s side and looked at the tablet. “Wow, what is that?”

Peridot hissed and floated the tablet back over to her, and then started typing again, “I’m asking him.”

“Grr!! He sent a laugh em-agy!” Peridot said. None of the Gems in the room noticed how she pronounced emoji wrong, because none of them knew. “I’ll call him then.. grr!”

Peridot began hastily pressing buttons and there was a ding as Steven connected to Peridot on a video call.

“Steven! What is a dow-huh-nut!!” Peridot screamed at the tablet. Steven flinched.

“What do you mean? What’s a dow-huh-nut?” Steven said, confused. 

Peridot looked at Lapis, who inched closer and showed Steven a ball of water. It transformed to thinly resemble the word ‘doughnut’.

“Oh!! Autocorrect was on!” Steven laughed, “It’s the Big Donut, there are lots of ways to say that word.”

“The Big Donut,” Peridot blushed, feeling embarrassed, “I should have known. I really need to get better at reading.”

“It’s okay!” Steven said, “anyways, what did you guys want to talk about?”

Bismuth moved closer to the tablet, taking up half the screen on Steven’s side. 

“What happened 3 days ago, Steven?” Bismuth said, unsure of where to look on the tablet. 

“I…” Steven seemed lost in thought. He looked behind him at blue skies which were being overthrown by grey clouds. “I don’t remember. All I remember was waking up this morning and knowing it's been a week since I got grounded, so I get the car back.”

Steven was surprised when the sky rumbled. He looked back down at his phone. “Um, guys, why don’t you just warp to the temple? We can talk there. It’s starting to storm out here.”

Steven hung up. The four Gems sat in a stunned silence.

“I told you, it must have been a collision of alternate realities,” Peridot said, standing up. She floated her tablet to the entrance of the forge with her. The other three Gems got up to follow Peridot to the Little Homeworld warp.

“It’s impossible,” Steven said, rubbing eyes, “but I.. I just don’t remember anything!”

At the temple, Bismuth, Lapis, Peridot and Spinel had found Steven on the couch in the main room. He was most likely contemplating existence or something. That’s what Peridot whispered, at least. The Gems went and joined Steven in sitting on the couch, and Peridot explained what she thought had happened.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Peridot said, making wild gestures, “It is an odd phenomenon, but it is possible!”

“But what caused it?” Lapis asked, leaning back to look at the ceiling.

“It must have been a reality-bending device.. or creature,” Peridot said. The entire room darkened as she stood up. It was just the storm covering the sun, but it was eerie all the same. She turned on the flashlight on her tablet, pointing it upwards at her face. “stories have been told for thousands of years of a creature that can bend reality to their own will! It could have awoken, finally!” 

“Ghh.. every Gem knows that's not true. Is this what all Peridots believe?” Spinel scoffed at the green Gems theatrics. 

Peridot snapped her head to face Spinel’s general direction, and the pink Gem winced.

“Right, guys, um,” Steven chuckled nervously, feeling the air turning tense, “Peridot, where is this reality-bending creature?”

“I’m sure you’ve seen it, Steven,” Peridot said, looking at the hybrid boy, “it’s attracted to...unique creatures. It only affects the planet it landed on. It must have taken a human vessel.. but the human learned to control it.”

Steven felt a memory beginning to surface, “Guys! I’m starting to remember something! Peridot, keep talking!”

“Um, so the human probably almost killed you, but the Gems probably protected you or something,” Peridot continued to ramble, “And… there was probably a few things wrong in the world. Like, people liked Fortnite or something.”

Steven blushed. That memory was coming back too.

“I.. I got it!” Steven sputtered, stopping Peridot, “you.. you guys formed a.. communication bod...communist bod?”

Spinel and Lapis jumped up, and Peridot piped up, “That’s right! The Commie Bod.”

Bismuth watched curiously as her friends started to remember an alternate reality. It was a stretch, but anything was possible knowing their luck.

Steven woke up. He was laying on the couch in the beach house, and the four Gems he had just seen were seen strewn about, sleeping or relaxing (Only Lapis was doing that, sadly). 

“What just happened?” he said, throwing his legs off the couch to sit properly. His foot made contact with Peridot’s face and he pulled his legs back. “...uh.”

Lapis looked at him from across the room. She was laying on one of the support beams of the beach house. 

“So you finally woke up,” Lapis flew off the beam and landed in front of the coffee table. “you were asleep when we got here, so we just decided to wait.”

“Wait… none of that was real?” 

“What do you mean? Are you loopy from your visit to Homeworld or something?” Lapis asked, tilting her head. She examined Steven and found nothing wrong.

“Homeworld?” Steven reached into the depths of his memory and found that he had been doing something for the past few days. He’d been on Homeworld with the Diamonds, and he was due to go back tomorrow.

Steven groaned and flopped back onto the couch.

“Great, it was just a dream.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess where he's going next? hell

**Author's Note:**

> KEEP READING AND COMMENTS AND KUDOS AND BOOKMARKS AND SUBSCRIBES AND THINGS.
> 
> lol i want to die


End file.
